Categories
Poetry. Thoughts

So…live.

There are two sides to every tale.

For every positive there is a negative.

For every good there is a bad.

For every perfection there is an imperfection.

For every compliment there is an insult.

For every opportunity there is a challenge.

For every opinion there is an argument.

For every dream there is a sacrifice.

For every life there is a death.

So live.

Categories
Thoughts Words.

Where’s my voice gone?

                                                

Writing can be scary. That is probably a bit hypocritical of me to say since I try to promote it so much for personal relaxation and freedom of expression. But honestly…

I’ve been having a major block lately. A major turn-off to my daily journaling and a strong heaving wave of dread sweeps over me if I even begin to ponder all of the different things I should or could write about. It is endless yet empty. And so the noose of procrastination bears heavy, looming in the background.

I have put an awful lot of pressure on myself to write pieces that tug at emotions or resonate with the reader. But I really haven’t written just for the sake of it without analysing, without judging, without expectations in a very long time.

I have been doing more and more, yet feeling less and less connected to my words. I feel strange and detached, as if I am not writing my words at all. They feel forced and hinged and stuck.

I am wondering if anyone else feels like this. The more I write. The bigger the audience. The greater the feedback.

The more the enormity of pressure mounts and crushes my voice. My words are blurred in between opinions, and shared, and spread and exposed. And I feel I no longer own them. They are no longer mine. And I cannot take them back.

Fear is paralysing. And words don’t flow when we are stagnant. They need light. They need bravery. They need acceptance. Someday my words will be forgotten. And I will disappear. And I will no longer have a voice.

So while I am here I will speak.

PS: I was reading a piece by lexicographer, Susie Dent, last night and she explained that journal derives from the Latin for ‘shine’… which I think is a sign if I’ve ever seen one.

Quote by Fiona Brennan “What people think or do not think of you is quite frankly none of your business.”

Categories
Flash Fiction.

The upside down world.

She gazes at the sea and wonders. What would it be like to live in the upside down world? The one that she sees so clearly reflected on the still of the water’s surface. The clumsy mirroring as if on foil. The world pouring over the skyline and settling on the surface of the ocean. It reminds her of the coagulated layer sitting grimly on the top of soup. The yellow house, buttery to her eye is drooping into a watery tornado. The colours are blurring. The chimneys are smoking into the airless space. Bird’s wings are flapping upside down. Where are they going? She ponders.

The light shimmers brightly below. In disorder. The fluffy cumulus above her melt gently through the horizon, marred and diluted, swallowed by the ocean. The trees bob, losing themselves, intertwining, separated by horizontal streaks of light getting smaller and smaller until they are engulfed too. Where do they evaporate to? She asks herself.

She treads past puddles, inspecting which part of this other life they will convey on their surfaces. Past the extending sea. But it keeps changing. The reflections ebb and flow with the world around her.

Yet it is different. Because there, things are permeable. Floating like the messiness of her imagination. Her thoughts are never quite a clear image. Akin to the foggy distortion of this upside down paradise. She wants to dive into it. To be swallowed into a place where her feet mingle with the ceiling of a forest. On muddled strokes of green posing as grass. She wants to be painted into this landscape. Dampened and blended softly. Her colours oozing. Mixing.

She would be distilled with the water. She would breathe with the trees. And she would move with the ink. She would look up at the seemingly perfect and stable world and notice how it too changes. How it too is unstable. And how it too merges and moves and disappears.

She looks down. Her feet are planted on the bumpy tarmac road. Her hair is tickling her neck as it wrestles helplessly with the breeze. Her body a seemingly solid fixture. Permanent. She closes her eyes. She feels herself expanding. She breathes in the salty sea air. She feels it pour over her and seep into her veins. She feels it moisten her skin. Turning her to liquid. Inking her colours. Imprinting her on its surface.

Categories
Words.

Being Eimear.

Laughter cannot be contained.

Writing passionately, unrestrained.

Probably paint and coffee stained.

Bundles of sheets scribbled upon with pure devotion.

A brain filled with ideas, worries and commotion.

Hearing people with empathy and emotion.

Lost in a books pages with intense concentration.

A tendency for messiness and procrastination.

Distracted easily, encapsulated by rumination.

When I feel lost, nature helps me survive.

I stumble through darkness and yet I thrive.

I am human and fallible, but I am alive.

I hold those I love with the deepest affection.

I sometimes build walls for a sense of protection.

Quiet time is needed for gratitude and reflection.

Open and honest about how I feel.

Accepting parts of me I have tried to conceal.

Learning to love being me and starting to heal.

Categories
Thoughts Words.

Show up.

My advice? Get the help you deserve.

I have spent a lot of time in a purgatory somewhere between anxiety, low mood and sleepwalking through my life.

This year finally pushed me to breaking point. It finally made me realise that I couldn’t let my fears control me anymore. That I had to face some uncomfortable truths and do the only work I was not willing to do. To learn to stop hating myself.

I had pushed my body, my mind and my soul to the point of burn out. What’s the next thing? How do I be better? How do I achieve more? How do I get the perfect body?

These were my values even up to a few months ago. And it seeped into my relationships too. I became obsessed with what I ate, how much I exercised and body checks. I tried to hate my body into changing and expected to be happy as a result. I neglected the people who were there for me and kept running to the next thing.

The healing process is rough. I’m not going to lie. I still slip up… A LOT.

A turning point for me in my healing has been accepting help. I mean really taking on advice and realising that I am not super human. Everyone faces suffering, and everything is relative.

So doing life alone- no matter how introverted you are, no matter how independent or strong you are is just not an option. This is not a one woman show. Your vulnerabilities make you lovable. Make you human.

Another major lesson that took me the longest time to accept was that this isn’t just a quick fix. This isn’t another thing to perfect. Or something on my to do list. Or something that I can use to gain peoples respect and acceptance. This simply is not a means to an end.

Healing requires showing up every day and living by your values.

This does not mean you have to overexert yourself or overfill your days.

 I find that writing out my top 3 values on a white board or piece of paper helps me to visualise and organise my days better.

  1. Self-care- This includes my body mind and soul. So including hobbies, exercise and relaxation are really important for me to incorporate into my weeks in order to avoid burnout.
  • Family + Friends- This one can be tricky to balance!! I found saying no really hard and was such a people pleaser- I still fall into this trap at times which is why having my values listed out helps me to come back to them with compassion and with no judgement.

 With this I aim to put in energy to the people who put energy into me. People who are with me through thick and thin are the people I try to give most of my energy back to. This helps me when I am feeling down and tempted to isolate myself and push people away. I remember all the energy people have put into being there for me. All of the people who continue to show up for me.

There are friends that I text regularly and occasionally but still value them so much. I have learned that accepting that friendships vary and do not have to be ranked, compared or all the same allows for more peaceful relationships and I do not expect too much of them.

  • Sharing/ Working/ Connecting- This includes writing, making a living, connecting and taking part in society with everybody else.

These values can be changed or updated whenever it feels right and only serve to help you have more organisation and peace of mind in your days. They are not rules and you do not have to honour them if it doesn’t feel right.

 I do not stick to them every day but I try my best. Leave space for mistakes and errors. Nobody is perfect. And that is what makes life interesting and beautiful.

I just find that I have a lot less anxiety when I balance my needs and responsibilities in a healthy manageable way.

They also help with planning. If I have a long list of things to do on a particular day I can categorize my activities and I usually chose just 3 things- 1 from each category to do every day. This helps me to still respect my values while not burning out.

This also satisfies my need for achievement because even on my bad days I can look at my little wins.

For instance if what I can manage one day is to chat to my mom. This serves as self-care, family time and connection. Thus making this day as valid as any other day even if I achieve or do a lot more.

Two more things that help me are gratitude and ‘little wins’.

A treasured friend of mine got me a whiteboard and I adore it. I aim to write on it daily with just three things I am thankful for and three little wins. Even if I am too tired to do it or not in the mood, I just say them in my head and it helps to bring me a slight change in perspective.

Even the days you are really struggling and hopeless, I think this can give you space even for a moment- to see the hope beyond your sadness, depression or mental rumination. Even if some days all you can be thankful for is shelter, food, water or your breath.

Once you start you will find other things in your day that you didn’t even remember happening.

This could be the kindness of a stranger, a nice meal, a nice customer, a good conversation, laughter, a TV programme, an Instagram post, or even just having this time to be grateful. It sprouts optimism and helps you to identify the little things that bring so much value and meaning to your life.

Gratitude has especially helped me with unhealthy, restrictive eating patterns. To day by day moment by moment chose to be grateful for my body rather than hating it. Rather than wishing it to be like anybody else’s or to reach societies impossible standards. This is an ongoing journey and I still feel negative emotions, I just don’t try to get rid of them as much anymore.

I know that this time of year is so so difficult and you are more than likely being bombarded with plans for exercise, self-development, and weight-loss.

But I find that if you struggle with perfectionism, procrastination, over-exerting yourself to reach impossible standards, self-care can become another achievement to excel at.

Love yourself and let yourself heal in whatever way suits you. This is just something that is helping me so I wanted to share it. Please don’t put pressure on yourself. This is not scientifically proven and is not written by a healthcare professional.

 Just a girl who has read a lot of books.

Categories
Poetry. Thoughts

Grief.

Blindsided,

Catapulted to my chest, breath stolen,

In a second, swiftly,

Unsuspecting.

Mundane ticking of the clock,

It keeps going, ruminating.

But I am somewhere else,

In another room, in another life

With a presence that I long for so dearly,

In a scene so vivid I can smell it,

I can feel her hand, hear her voice.

The empty ocean swells in my abdomen.

Aching for a scene I will never experience again.

A ripple of empty darkness.

Categories
Poetry. Thoughts Words.

Social Media.

Anti-social media.

Dishevelled fingers meander across screens unable to fight,

Lifeless eyes stare at sheets of glass penetrating light.

Slim bodies pleading for nourishment provoke jealous disdain,

Smiling faces gash at internal scars with the happiness they feign.

Glorious views tease as they pretend to be savoured,

Restlessness and disillusionment seen as attributes to be favoured.

Hedonistic beings clambering for control,

Self-worth is quantified and branded as a goal.

Success posing as constant satisfaction,

Freedom, sought through unlimited distraction.

Social media.

I revisited this piece after a social media detox, since I reinstalled my apps and only followed accounts that inspire me, teach me, help me or challenge me. If you relate to the first piece maybe consider changing who you follow and how their content makes you feel. My intention is to give you hope that social media can be a really helpful, loving place if you are feeling overwhelmed by it at the moment, as I was.

Various bodies, loved and accepted,

Love and authenticity shared and protected.

Thought provoking, inspiring words set free,

All here to empower and enlighten you and me.

Gratitude pouring from humble souls,

Helpful ideas and realistic goals.

Vulnerability, passion, uniqueness unites,

People empowering people and owning their rights.

Categories
Poetry. Words.

Calm in the storm.

The wind howls.

Growling, tugging unsuspecting hairs to and fro.

Bashing, pushing, and shrieking.

The rain pours in torrents, merciless, wreaking havoc.

Empowered, bold, loud.

Free in the noise, I run.

I squeal. No one else is crazy enough to be out in this weather. No one else would dare be struck by lightning.

Only to feel the rain caress their face. Only to feel the damp chill of their clothes sticking to their skin. Shivering.

Laughs stolen by each current of air. Leaping through puddles. Splashing, Meddling, Dirtying shoes.

Headlights obscured by sheets of rain. Warm glowing light. Shades of grey and misty darkness.

Bellowing. Drumming. Rattling.

Pulses of dazzling lightning. Emerging momentarily. Spectacularly bold. Presumptuous. Magniloquent.

Playfulness set free. Boundaryless.

Peace in chaos.

Silence in pandemonium.

Categories
Words.

Rosie.

A chair lies empty, lifeless, and bare.

Filled only with shadows of the memories we share.

Once held by mischievous giggles, warm faces.

Slobbery kisses, Strangling embraces.

Infectious laughter compelling hearts to dance.

Relentless Robbing at every waking chance.

Boisterous roguery, unrestrained affection,

Gentle soul, with kindness and connection.

A smile that could quell a storm and calm an ocean,

Open, unreserved displays of devotion.

Your playful spirit forever in our hearts,

We treasure your stories though we are apart.

Categories
Thoughts Words.

Be Yourself.

Every single one of us has a box we are trapped in. Confining discomfort we tolerate, numb and avoid straying from. We all wonder what lifting the lid might look like. What expression of ourselves could be set free?

Yet in reality what we see is ugly. It is messy. It is not a neat path. It’s thorny, it’s full of unpleasant truths. It forces us to give up our comfortable habits, and to relinquish our pain. It compels us to challenge our fears, so that they no longer control our actions. It pushes us to ignore our critics, and dive full frontal, all cannons blazing into uncertainty.

Into opportunities, dreams and possibilities. We are hushed, tossed away, rejected, and jeered at. But it doesn’t matter. Because we can laugh and fly and realise that life is a carnival of weird, bizarre chaos. It can’t be orderly, it can’t be perfectly balanced in all aspects. We will mess up, we will get hurt and we will upset people who chose to stay confined.

But at least we will be living. At least we will let the gifts we have so kindly been blessed with be free. Because to die having lived a half-life would be the greatest tragedy of all.

To have hustled, to have busied ourselves, to have scurried through life in the pursuit of pleasing others. Chasing our own unreachable expectations. To have forgotten what it feels like to be alive. What it feels like to be vibrant. To have fun. To laugh. Blocking everyone else from experiencing our quirky, beautiful, remarkable souls. Our passions. Our voices.

Stray from your cage. Dare greatly. Dance to the funkiest music like no one is watching. Wear clothes that light you up. Love openly, speak honestly and keep the ones who really love you closest to you.

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Image by Rupi Kaur*** Taken from her book ‘Home Body’.